Ms. Post Office Lady



Dear Ms. Post Office Lady,

I would like to thank you for making me look like a fraudulent idiot.  Don't get me wrong, feeling like an idiot is something I do well and often.  But a fraud?  Well, that is new one and I am happy to say I can now add to my list.

If you don't remember, let me help you out.  Tuesday afternoon.  I came in schlepping 3 young boys with my hair in what was supposed to look like a pony tail but unfortunately resembled a lion's mane.  All I wanted to do was mail a hat and magazine to a girlfriend.  You told me I owed you $2.78. 

I grab my credit card. 

"Here you go!"  I say with a chipper smile.  Maybe you don't appreciate chipper.  Maybe misery loves company and you would've preferred that I call you something obscene.  Well, note to self for next time.

"Ma'am, I cannot accept this, it's not signed." 

No problem.  I hand her another card.  She swipes.

"Ma'am, this card is declined."  What?  It can't be!  I have at least $20 in there!  Whatever.  I hand her the original card.

"Ma'am, you will need to sign the card."  Okay, okay.  I'll sign it.  Lay off, lady.

"Ma'am, I will need to see your ID."  I hand her my driver's license with a picture of my head slightly turned to the right to make my face appear thinner.  I wish she would stop calling me ma'am.  It makes me feel old.

"Ma'am, the names don't match up."  This is exactly where my face turns bright red and I want to crawl into my diaper bag and cry myself to sleep.  I scurry out, bumping into the long line of people taking note of my face because they're confident they will see me on America's Most Wanted.  MOTHER, LIVING DOUBLE LIFE AND DOUBLE IDENTITIES. 

Disclaimer:  I did have money in my bank account.  I was using a temporary debit card that expires in 30 days and it happened to be day 31.  And the reason for my dual identities?  My credit card has my married name and my driver's license still has my maiden name.  You don't believe me, do you?